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rotten bones

battling the demons within
struggling to keep my soul without sin
hardships destroy my will to win
release my pain and move ahead
today, i hate all you said
how to move an inch and get out of bed
darkness, destruction, torture, pain
difficult to keep my thoughts sane
effort and hope are all in vain
the night will end – the sun will rise
but i will still be the thing i despise
years ago, i tossed my happy disguise
judge me all you want and cast your stones
roll your eyes at my rotten bones
i was once entrenched upon that throne
such sage advice…you have no clue
don’t worry i hate me more than you
i will be the one to pay debts past due
foul choices decided all those years
you laugh and scoff at my tears
get your fucking ass out of here
disintegration, laziness, worthlessness, death
addicted to the doctor’s caffeinated meth
I weep and choke on my last breath
god decided years ago on his own
when he cursed me with rotten bones
i would die alone

wish

I wish every time I

hurt

A piece of me fell off

Then you would see

How little I’ve

become

If I had that one wish

I wouldn’t wish to be

okay

Because that will never

be

okay?

I hope you understand

How much I wish I was

dead

Then I would be free

Of all the shit that is

me

Separate Universes

Thirty years ago tonight, I died upon that road.
All the hopes and dreams I had never to be told.
No wife, no kids, no house to see…
I wonder what the world would be
if there had not been me.

Thirty years ago tonight, life whispered in the wind,
Signaling the beginning and calling on the end.
Jesus loves then forgives my sin…
I tremble at the scars within
as the devil grabs my soul and puts it in the bin.

Thirty years ago tonight, a jury had been called.
Destiny set sail to sea, and spirit not be stalled.
The universe refused to blink…
I fumble with the words and think
with unnurtured relationships some lives never sink.

Thirty years ago that night, I died upon the road.
Releasing bonds never made is a freedom bestowed.
Unrealized grief goes free…
I wonder what the world would be
if there had not been me.

I wonder how your world would be…

if there had not been me.

too muddled to think

i’m dead inside – i forgot how to build the fire
to set a lit to my soul’s desire
voices in the night sing my name
they hum soft words to keep me tame
clouds…clouds…clouds gray
so empty my thoughts no longer stay
a world of warm colors fades
panic slices my life with blades
god i hate me that is now me
unable to love what I see
open these lifeless eyes to stare there
at a fan circling the dust in the air
close them what does it matter
my hopes scatter
drowning
invisible
poof

at this point in my life

Done so many things wrong I don’t know if I can do right
Oh I, Oh I’ve done so many things wrong I don’t know if I can do right
At This Point in My Life – Tracy Chapman

Don’t equate me staying afar as not being capable of love, because everything in me hurts for the broken words. I just hope you are happy because that is all that I wanted. That’s all I ever wanted, so I write this post with a broken heart but happy soul. I have prayed and prayed and prayed to God asking for answers. So I write this post, not to be selfish, but to take your pains and troubled times, now and forever more. See…

First came the rain – then fell the snow
I never forgot – therefor I know
The weight of ice broke my grip
I no longer bother to make the trip
Underneath the white – shielded by a tarp
Two seeds of tomorrow – deserve a fresh start
I feel the joy they celebrate
What they think of me I can only speculate
First came the rain – then fell the snow
I never forgot – therefor I know
I’ll serve your pain on judgment day
All your life’s debt I prepay
It’s the least that I owe – praying from afar
Cause I will be there – wherever you are

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