Archive for September, 2011

i am loved

a pale light, shimmering,
through black swirling clouds
soothes my pity.

someone still believes in me.

yet…                    i wonder…
if i hurt God one more time
will He revoke my angel,
that often shivers with sadness
at my bitter evil.

my angel rests,
as love scatters from my soul.
but God will not release me.
as i lose him,
He remains patient.

though i struggle to bind
Him into my world,
i remain in His eyes.
God is love,
and for some reason…
He loves me.

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Back Again

I’m up late; I don’t know why. Why am I such a fool to think that I could have progressed with my life, when I don’t even have a clue what I should be accomplishing in the first place? Two years ago, I contemplated these same questions and dwelled over these almost exact thoughts, but, yet, I didn’t actively pursue any goals.

I sense a yearning from the depth of my soul, but I’m unable to process the meaning of the signals that I trust are from my God. I earn a living doing what I do best, but is that enough, and if it is enough, why do I get the sense that it’s not enough – maybe because I’m asking the same questions over and over… I’m over forty, and yet, in my mind, I’m no older than I was when I turned eighteen, hell, even fifteen. Sure, my knees hurt a lot more, and when I fall, it sure seems harder to get back up, but…

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m taking a class at church that I hope will give me the answers that I’m searching for, that I’ve been searching for since I can barely remember, to a time when I was a little boy, swinging in my parents backyard, looking up at the sky, wondering what was beyond those clouds, feeling the chains twist in my hands, my feet brushing the ground as I yanked my legs in harder to thrust the swing higher, often leaning back so far that my head almost touched the ground, yes, even back then, I believe I remember those thoughts of what is life about; where was I before my time began?

Does everyone search for the meaning of life until time has run out on searching? I guess some people must still be looking, otherwise, I would be the sole person in the class, but I’m not, and is the only reason the class isn’t full with every Houstonian because people only avoid the question, pretend it doesn’t exist, and then get by with what life has bestowed upon them? Do people just learn to be happy? That’s not quite right. Not that they learn to be happy but they learn to be – not sad.

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The Peasant

barren field-
not worth planting
empty shell-
not worth filling
i am just a peasant;
i cannot change.

my Lord asks
i give all of little.
my Lord asks
my life i sacrifice.

His grace
i don’t deserve.
down on my knees i beg
for just a speck of the dust
on my Lord’s sandals.
i am but a peasant;
i don’t want to change.

my Lord asks
i give all of little.
my Lord asks
my life i sacrifice.

show me your favor;
send an angel
to quench the thirst
of my starving soul
not worth saving.
accepting my lot,
i serve my Lord.
i am the sinner;
He is my King

my Lord asks
i give
all of
my Lord asks
my life

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