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too muddled to think

i’m dead inside – i forgot how to build the fire
to set a lit to my soul’s desire
voices in the night sing my name
they hum soft words to keep me tame
clouds…clouds…clouds gray
so empty my thoughts no longer stay
a world of warm colors fades
panic slices my life with blades
god i hate me that is now me
unable to love what I see
open these lifeless eyes to stare there
at a fan circling the dust in the air
close them what does it matter
my hopes scatter
drowning
invisible
poof

at this point in my life

Done so many things wrong I don’t know if I can do right
Oh I, Oh I’ve done so many things wrong I don’t know if I can do right
At This Point in My Life – Tracy Chapman

Don’t equate me staying afar as not being capable of love, because everything in me hurts for the broken words. I just hope you are happy because that is all that I wanted. That’s all I ever wanted, so I write this post with a broken heart but happy soul. I have prayed and prayed and prayed to God asking for answers. So I write this post, not to be selfish, but to take your pains and troubled times, now and forever more. See…

First came the rain – then fell the snow
I never forgot – therefor I know
The weight of ice broke my grip
I no longer bother to make the trip
Underneath the white – shielded by a tarp
Two seeds of tomorrow – deserve a fresh start
I feel the joy they celebrate
What they think of me I can only speculate
First came the rain – then fell the snow
I never forgot – therefor I know
I’ll serve your pain on judgment day
All your life’s debt I prepay
It’s the least that I owe – praying from afar
Cause I will be there – wherever you are

Blanketed by a shroud

Death holds the day when all the colors fade to gray
Blanketed by a shroud fading life covered by a weeping cloud
Visions swirl in my head a world full of mostly dead

Death feeds the day when all the colors become gray
World trapped by ice for the homeless life’s a sacrifice
Sleeping trees vomit decayed leaves

Death controls the day when all the colors remember gray
Morbid chill from the North makes creatures ill
Grace eludes me a captured soul never free

Oh yes, Death loves the day when all the colors seem only gray.

cold in heaven

And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t wanna go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t wanna miss you tonight

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Iris, The Goo Goo Dolls

Billions of souls scream for a chance, for one person to know them, this opportunity, this blip in the damn vastness of space and heaven. That one person that fate brought together, that gets you, knows you, your stupid quirks, your jokes, your mistakes, your faults – not the fucking world, not your parents, not your friends, not even God, – but that one, that one, that one that you feel at the pit of your stomach when she touches your arm to say she loves you even after you have fucked up so many times. When she is away, your soul is hollow. When she drops her dress, the universe clears and all that you suffered melts away. That you would walk those 1000 miles for. That you would hold for an infinity if it meant healing her pain. That you would sacrifice your soul so that she is happy.

Damn you God for making this urge. Damn you God for making love hurt. I hate you for sparking the seed and then stepping away. I hate you for the millions of people that cry themselves to sleep at night because of loneliness, that extinguish their lives so early because YOU, YOU, YOU, A DIETY, a lonely god, want us to suffer, want us to crave love. God, are you lonely? Is that it? You figured heaven gets cold at night for the past billion years, so why not the rest of us, why not punish us for your insecurities.

Give them their wish; let love fall in their laps.

the fountain

a fish squirting water into the hands of a plastic girl

so simple, so ordinary, so cheap from a big box store

young flowers and blue rocks frame the piece

the sun sets, and the shadows grow long

a photo of time long forgotten

of a day no longer possible

a baby boy attracted to the bubbling water

perches on a stone, his fat feet poke out from under thick legs

his tiny but large hand drawn to the cool water

his face full of wonder as he leans in

the left hand holds a block destined to be tossed in

his beauty outshines all the world around

his curiosity lures him closer

his life at that moment as simple as a plastic girl

each holding their hands in the water

a photo

a photo

the fountain weathered and fell to pieces

the boy dragged away in the arms of another

I hope to a moment as simple as a plastic girl

I’m stuck praying to a god that has more than me on his mind

if there is a heaven it is in that photo

where the baby boy in his diaper sits on a rock

and time loops on forever, loops forever

and I never have to say “goodbye’

again

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