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Posts Tagged ‘depressed’

a fish squirting water into the hands of a plastic girl

so simple, so ordinary, so cheap from a big box store

young flowers and blue rocks frame the piece

the sun sets, and the shadows grow long

a photo of time long forgotten

of a day no longer possible

a baby boy attracted to the bubbling water

perches on a stone, his fat feet poke out from under thick legs

his tiny but large hand drawn to the cool water

his face full of wonder as he leans in

the left hand holds a block destined to be tossed in

his beauty outshines all the world around

his curiosity lures him closer

his life at that moment as simple as a plastic girl

each holding their hands in the water

a photo

a photo

the fountain weathered and fell to pieces

the boy dragged away in the arms of another

I hope to a moment as simple as a plastic girl

I’m stuck praying to a god that has more than me on his mind

if there is a heaven it is in that photo

where the baby boy in his diaper sits on a rock

and time loops on forever, loops forever

and I never have to say “goodbye’

again

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Come let me love you
Let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter
Let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you
Let me always be with you
Come let me love you
Come love me again

Those are lines from a John Denver song. I have always loved it ever since I can remember, and since it was released in 1974, that’s about all my life. It’s called Annie’s Song because he wrote it for his wife, but on days when I feel down or alone, I play it and imagine sitting with Jesus under the shade of a large oak tree, just the two of us, alone, in the middle of nowhere. He wouldn’t necessarily be saying the words to me, but more that I can feel them in his eyes and in his manner towards me. I wish that I could say the situation was reversed, but I am terrible at expressing love, but He would know that and understand.

So for those, who might need this song and your time alone with Jesus, wherever that may be, I am including all the lyrics and a YouTube video. May God bless you, and I hope you find comfort in the song on a day you need it.

You fill up my senses
Like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again

Come let me love you
Let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter
Let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you
Let me always be with you
Come let me love you
Come love me again

Come let me love you
Let me give my life to you
Come let me love you
Come love me again

You fill up my senses
Like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again

John Denver
Annie’s Song

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I watched you walk across

the stage this afternoon

Knowing I’d nothing –

Nothing, to do with it.

I stood in the far back –

out of the way today

And just retreated,

retreated…

when you were handed

your high school diploma.

I wish I knew how

To tell you I love you.

I wrote you this poem

As I thought it was a start.

I’ve browsed your Facebook posts

Though I am not your friend

Your first homecoming,

Prom night, first date

Your broken arm,

and staying out late.

I wish I knew how

To show you I love you.

I wrote you this poem

As I thought it might be a start.

Some men God made a dad.

I’m sorry I’m not that man.

That’s why I went away

Let you grow on without me.

Don’t think I don’t love you.

Don’t think I don’t miss you.

Don’t think my heart’s not broken,

Destroyed and beyond repair

I wish I knew how

To tell you I love you.

I wrote you this poem

As I think it is a start.

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another night without talking

backs simply gawking

on the edge of balking

intent on stalling

loves withdrawing

recalling the days I loved u

drawing on gray november hue

mumbling out of the blue

pausing becomes past due

whispering I love you

our time quickly dying

no matter if I’m trying

fighting, denying, crying

I know you’re just surviving

a broken soul tiring

I miss you smiling

I set you free

of you

that was me

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Our journey together

The name “compiler” is primarily used for programs that translate source code from a high-level programming language to a lower level language (e.g., assembly language or machine code).
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

THE COMPILER (That’s me)
You might be wondering who am I to be writing a blog about God, faith, religion, love, Jesus, forgiveness, serving, and all that a conversation about God brings to the table. Well, I’m really just a man who has sinned a lot, been broken to the point of considering suicide, hated God at several times in my life, depressed many days, stumbled most of my way through life with two broken marriages, and failed being a dad my kids could depend on a daily basis. I’m not a qualified theology scholar or even a scholar of anything other than computers (hence where I get my title from).

I am you.

But as it often is when it comes to God, sometimes, you are asked to do something, and you must obey, and so it is with this blog. God doesn’t use superheroes to spread his glory and love. He chooses a simple fisherman and makes him a fisher of men.

THE COMPILING PART
Why tell you that I suck at everything in my life, that I was a terrible husband and father, and that I go days being unhappy? Why? Because I love you.

I think millions of people if not billions walk around like a zombie every once and while and hate their existence. I write what I write so that you, you, the person hating life and too sad to go to work tomorrow, so you know you aren’t alone. I write for the broken-hearted, the forgotten, and the lonely.

I bare my soul on this blog because I believe God wants you to have hope and understand that he loves you. I get through my days knowing that God loves me no matter what I do or feel. You need to know that you have him and me by your side when you can’t live another day. That’s why I pray and listen to the spirit of God and write what I write. That’s why I compile His code.

We have a living God that loves you. I love you. You may feel alone and unloved, but you’re not. It is easy to be blinded by the ugly in this world. Trust me, I know.

If you feel like you don’t belong, that life sucks, that you aren’t worthy of anything. Follow this blog. Contact me. We are all on this journey together, and I am there for you.

If you feel like you have everything together, then great, help someone who doesn’t. I would like you to see these posts as an opportunity to spark debate about my compilations on this blog because discussing God, even if we disagree on what we are discussing, is a good thing. No, I would say, it’s a blessing and advances God’s will in this world.

I invite you to follow my blog. I believe God speaks in ways that I do not understand, and maybe, just maybe, you have something you are supposed to share with me.

[Note: If you have complaints about spelling, grammar, or other mindless details, please keep them to yourself.]

THE FINE PRINT
I have my beliefs, and what you will read on this blog are my interpretations of God’s voice within me; you will also find that a lot of what I believe differs from mainstream Christian beliefs, but I hope that’s where we can both learn from each other and grow as we discuss God’s will for the world.

So, like a gambler, when the cards have all been played and all bets called, I am laying my cards on the table, and here is what I believe.

  1. There is a God, and he is a living God.
  2. God sent Jesus to help us understand his plans.
  3. Jesus died for our sins.
  4. You experience God’s grace when you love and serve his flock.
  5. The spirit of God lives in everything that exists and that ever existed.
  6. If we listen closely, we can hear the guidance of his spirit.
  7. The bible is a history of God’s interaction with us.

Most importantly, I believe that God is not done communicating with us. Like I stated, he is a living God, and because he lives, he lives with us and in us, so the story of God and us is still being written even as you read this. You matter. You have worth.

I love you.

Wade Miller

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