Compiling God's Code

Basically, I can write whatever I want to on this blog because no one really reads this stuff. I only write because I don’t know how else to release the thoughts swirling around in my head. This weekend sucked for me even though I got to see all my kids (minus the older ones) which is always a blessing, and I’m thankful for the time, but with the blessing comes a curse — I have to see my kids suffer when the visit is over. That is definitely the hardest course of action that I have ever undertaken — that is telling my kids goodbye for another time.

While that sucks, trust me, it’s not what weighs heaviest on my heart. On Friday, I listened to a 911 call by the actor that played Mr. Kruger on Seinfeld. He attempted suicide by shooting himself in the head; it failed, and he called 911 for help. The call is very straight forward, and he seems very calm for someone who just shot himself in the head.

I’m having a hard time with the sadness, the desperation, and loneliness that he must have been enduring in his life for him to attempt suicide. I guess I can’t deal with the fact that people feel so horrible about themselves. I’ve been there so I know what it feels like to be so alone and wonder what not just the next day will bring but what the next hour or even minute holds.

I wish that I could tell everyone who is feeling sad, alone, unloved, afraid, broken, and on the brink of considering that his or her life is unworthy of this world that they are loved. I love you. You don’t have to be alone. I feel helpless because I am useless when it comes to solving their problems. I am no superhero. Hell, I’m not even a person who talks to people. I keep to myself, forever the introvert. I pray that I have the power to overcome my inadequacies so that I can seek those who need to know that they have value to someone — to me and to God.

I would invite you to dinner. I would listen to your problems. I would be the friend you need, but I don’t know how to even start that conversation. I wish that God had given me the ability to communicate. I wouldn’t waste it on meaningless political topics, sales pitches, or hooking up for one night stands. No. I would get on a tall pedestal and yell to the world and tell my fellow brothers and sisters that life does suck and that you can feel alone, very alone, sometimes, but you’re not. God loves you. I love you. You don’t have to face your difficulties alone. God bears all burdens. He conquers all fears. He forgives all sins, and he loves unconditionally.

My heart aches for the broken souls. I can’t even imagine how God must feel. To be right there with them, waiting for them to just call his name and ask for his help, trying desperately to reveal his love, watching as they suffer, holding them as their sorrow blinds them and closes off their hearts to his love.

I curse myself for not having the courage to help those that need it most. May God hear my pleas and take all that I have and bestow it on those that have nothing. And if by some act of God, you stumble upon this blog, I pray that you realize that you are loved. Call me. Email me. Pray. Ask God to comfort you. He loves you. He will shoulder your burdens. He will ease your pain. I know. I’ve been there. He did it for me, and I am only just a someone just like you.